Junk Food For Your Brain
My Favorite Posts
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New readers can check out some of my favorite monologues, sketches and assorted randomness I’ve written. Oh, hell, I’ll let old readers do it as well:
See the start of my ongoing adventure series which uses literary devices, badly.
I found a copy of the first draft of The Matrix.
I also found a transcript of the recording of the Beverly Hillbillies Theme Song.
I wrote about detectives who explain too much.
I reviewed a porno film. (NSFW)
I took part in a street battle.
I solved a mystery.
I took a deadly cavern tour.
I heard some scary, scary stories.
I had a relationship expert give advice.
Want to feel old?
Here are some facts about this year’s incoming freshman that will make you feel old and out of touch so go die already:
Most of today’s freshman have never been 25 years old.
They’ve never worn a watch with a minute hand, or if it had a minute hand it wasn’t digital or sometimes also it was both or neither. Or they’ve never worn a watch.
Most of this year’s freshman class is careful what they wish for because it might come true.
They’ve never had to chew their food.
They don’t know the meaning of the word ‘impossible’, due to school vocabulary budget cuts.
They have gills instead of lungs.
They can only be killed by a silver bullet or a stake through the heart.
Sometimes they come back.
This time it’s personal.
On August 22nd they’re about to find out that sometimes in order to begin, they have to start. Starring Hugh Grant.
Who stole the cookie?
INT. CLASSROOM
15 kindergarten kids and a teacher sit in a circle, singing.
KIDS: Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?
TEACHER: Mikey stole the cookie from the cookie jar.
MIKEY: Who me?
KIDS: Yes, you.
MIKEY: Couldn’t be.
KIDS: Then who?
MIKEY: Billy stole the cookie from the cookie jar.
BILLY: Who me?
KIDS: Yes, you.
BILLY: Couldn’t be.
KIDS: You’re a liar.
BILLY: Johnny stole the- what?
KIDS: Just admit it.
BILLY: I didn’t do anything.
KIDS: Then what are those crumbs in your hand?
BILLY: They aren’t crumbs, it’s sand.
KIDS: We know it was you, we have witnesses.
BILLY: Bullshit.
TEACHER: Billy! No swearing.
KIDS: Do you think we’re stupid? Look, your prints were all over the cookie jar. You’ve got chocolate on your face for god’s sake. If you admit it we’ll go easy on you.
BILLY: (Crying) All right, I did it. But I didn’t want to. I was forced to.
KIDS: By who?
TEACHER: Ah, ah ah. You mean ‘by whom’.
KIDS: By whom?
BILLY: I can’t tell you. He’ll kill me.
KIDS: We can protect you, Billy, but you have to work with us.
BILLY: Ok. Ok. It was-
A GUNSHOT rings out. Billy slumps over, dead. A shadowy figure jumps out the window and runs down the alley.
KIDS: Looks like this is bigger than we thought. Who initiated the conspiracy to make Billy steal the cookie from the cookie jar?
DAVE: Jack initiated the conspiracy to make Billy steal the cookie from the cookie jar.
JACK: Who me?
KIDS: Yeah, you.
JACK: Couldn’t be.
KIDS: You’re right. We think this must go all the way up to the top.
JACK: The president?
KIDS: Oh, is he at the top? No, not that high.
JACK: Secretary of State?
KIDS: Bingo.
JACK: Look, kids, you better have some damn good evidence before you go accusing the Secretary of State of cookie theft.
TEACHER: Jack!
JACK: Sorry, darn good evidence.
TEACHER: Thank you.
KIDS: We’ll get it. That’s a promise. Or our name isn’t various kids in a kindergarten class.
TO BE CONTINUED…
More Great Job Postings
Here’s a bunch of job postings I’ve seen recently:
Major talent agency/production/advertising/website company seeking Runner for extremely busy talent agency/production/advertising/website company. Must have at least 27 years experience supporting a top level executive of an international firm specializing in sales to Belgium. Typical hours are 9am to 8:59am plus weekends. $4.75/hour after 3 month unpaid internship. Must be an expert in all programs anyone could ever possibly want to use, plus Microsoft Works. Must have own car and be able to forage for food as we will not be supplying food and all company snacks are carefully inventoried. Must know all the major agencies and players in town in the biblical sense. Must have been a recipient of the MacArthur Genius grant for 3 of the past 5 years. Looking for 87 year commitment. No fatties.
Phrases That Were Sexual But Take On A Different Meaning After You Have A Kid
Who’s my big boy?
He’s been down a long time.
Looks like someone wants some boob.
He’ll just suck on anything that gets near his mouth.
Is that a good noise or a bad noise?
It’s fun, you can make him do anything.
Last night was rough, I had to keep getting up and going in to him a bunch of times.
Looks like someone’s got a doody in their diaper!
Cartoon Competition
Gotta Have Heart is in a competition. See the full length feature episode and vote for it. The only full length feature that’s 8 minutes long.
http://www.nextventertainment.com/web/mini-competition/
The Job Interview
Mr. Roberts: Come on in, have a seat. Stanley is it?
Stanley: Yes, sir, Mr. Roberts, but you can call me Stan.
Mr. Roberts: Well, Mr. Roberts is my dad. You can call me Mr. Roberts, though, because you don’t know my dad so it won’t get confusing.
Stanley: Right.
Mr. Roberts: Well, impressive resume, but it looks like you took a year off?
Stanley: Yes, I took a year off to raise my son and now I’m getting back into the workplace.
Mr. Roberts: Congratulations, how was that?
Stanley: It was fun. So fun. Yes it was. Yes it was fun. It was fun wasn’t it? Uh huh. Yes it was. Oooooh. Woo woo woo boo boo.
Mr. Roberts: ….?
Stanley: Oh, sorry, I’ve been around kids for so long it’s a little bit of an adjustment talking to adults again.
Mr. Roberts: Right, I understand. So, tell me about yourself.
Stanley: Ok, I went to college for four years. (Holding up four fingers) Can you count to four? One, two…I’m doing it again aren’t I?
Mr. Roberts: Yes. I know how it is, though. I have kids of my own. I’ve never had to stay home and raise them and I only see them briefly at night so I don’t know how it is but if I could imagine it I would. Anyway, so you went to college, then what?
Stanley: Well, I majored in computer programming and started out with an internship at Take 2 that’s one- (Starts to hold up two fingers, then stops himself), um, one…um…way I got into video games. I started out coding in basic when I was a kid but I’ve worked on several business programs for Windows systems and Ubuntu’s boo boo moo woo noo, too.
Mr. Roberts: Good, we use the boo boo moo woo noo system here, too. It’s a good system.
Stanley: Very good.
Mr. Roberts: The best.
Stanley: I wouldn’t say that.
Mr. Roberts: I didn’t. And what was your last job?
Stanley: My last job was an administrator for the internet. Do you know what the internet is? It’s a big network where everybody in the world can talk to each other. Can you talk? Can you say daddy?
Mr. Roberts: Of course I can say daddy. Oh, you’re doing it again.
Stanley: Right. Sorry. So, I edited and selected content which was to be distributed via the world wide web.
Mr. Roberts: You mean you were a blogger.
Stanley: Correct. And- uh oh! Did someone make a poopy? Did someone make a poopy in their pants?
Mr. Roberts: Well, I never expected anyone to call me out on it. That takes balls. You got the job, son.
Stanley: Hooray! Balls!
THE END
The Hole Family
Captain “Ace” Hole lined up his gun sights on the tail of the fleeing plane and pulled the triggers. KRA-KRA-KRA-KRA! In a matter of seconds the dogfight was over, the plane fell out of the sky, engines ablaze. Ace turned around and flew back to his base where he was greeted as a hero. Or he would have been if it wasn’t 2010. And the plane wasn’t a Boeing 747 full of children.
Sergeant “King” Hole rammed into the side of the fleeing van again. KA-RUNCH! In a matter of seconds the chase as over, the van spun off the bridge and plummeted into the river. King turned around and drove back to the police station where he was greeted as a hero. Or he would have been if it wasn’t 2010. And the van wasn’t full of children.
Lieutenant “Queen” Hole cast the wire around the German’s neck and pulled with all his might. KA-RACK! In a matter of seconds the fight was over, the German man’s neck broken in two. Queen turned around and walked back to his house where he was greeted as a hero. Because it was 2010. And the German man was a cannibal full of children.
Self Help Books We Need
I’ve been reading a lot of self help books lately* and I’ve noticed a couple books that need to be written**:
Don’t Have Sex with Your Babysitter (and 50 More Tips for a Successful Marriage)
Stop Crying and Pull Up Your Pants (and 50 More Tips to Get Dressed Quickly)
Don’t Eat All the Cinnamon at Once (and 50 More Tips to Ration Your Cinnamon)
Teach Your Cat to Meow Incessantly! (and 50 More Tips to Teach Your Cat to Stop Meowing)
One Tip to Fly a Kite (and 50 More Tips to Fly a Kite)
One Ring to Rule Them All (and 50 More Rings to in the Darkness Bind Them)
*No, I haven’t.
**No I haven’t.
No One Ever Talks About Us Other Mad People
It seems someone’s always writing a book or a movie about a mad scientist who creates some sort of monster that causes death and destruction but where are the stories about the unsung mad professionals? Where are the mad economists? The mad mathematicians? The mad quantitative analyzers? Are we not worth a mention at any point?
Sure, maybe the mad scientists create the monsters and grab the headlines with all their terrorizing, but I know a certain mad quantum physicist who combined bits of Newton’s laws and bits of Heisenberg’s ideas into a truly mad theory. Yes, it all fell apart under the weight of it’s own internal logic but not before causing quite a stir amongst some of the other physicists in the lunch room where it was pieced together. But I guess unless your creation kills a small girl or vaporizes an entire city no one really cares how mad you really are. It’s just not fair.
And even if you do happen to be a mad scientist, you don’t get any credit unless you’re a specific kind of mad scientist. My friend Mad Kevin is a mad taxonomist, naming thousands of animals without regard to kingdom, phylum nor species. But does anyone write books about him? No! Even though he once named a cat after a flower. Everyone’s busy chasing after the mad scientist who’s bent on world domination. Nobody cares about the mad algebraist who insists x always equals 6.2 or the mad astrophysicist who claims the speed of light is a pig or even the mad astronomer who says that the Earth revolves around itself. And you only heard of the mad biologist after he murdered his wife. But where was the media when he was crafting his germ that only ate reruns of “I Love Lucy”? I’ll tell you where: they were watching Mad Elroy’s giant squid as it destroyed England. It just isn’t fair.
Maybe it’s time to get out of the mad profession, settle down with a mad wife and 2.5 mad children, get a job at the post office, only mad scientize on the weekends. I may never create a beast that devours women and children, but by god, as a mad taxidermist I will one day achieve my goal and create a duck with three feet. On one foot!!
And then maybe I’ll take a bunch of people hostage.
First Draft of the Godfather Scene
INT. CORLEONE’S OFFICE – DAY
VITO CORLEONE: I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse. Now you just go outside and enjoy yourself and leave all this to me.
EST. WOLTZ ESTATE – MORNING
INT. WOLTZ BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS
JACK WOLTZ gradually wakes up. He reaches down to his feet and a look of surprise comes over his face. He throws back the covers and we see coupons. 25 cents off. 35 cents off. Even 45 cents off.
WOLTZ: (terrified) Ahh…ahhh…aaaahhh!
Coppola received notes to make this scene a little more frightful for Woltz. Maybe not play up the ‘offer’ part as much. This is what he wrote:
INT. CORLEONE’S OFFICE – DAY
VITO CORLEONE: I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse. Now you just go outside and enjoy yourself and leave all this to me.
EST. WOLTZ ESTATE – MORNING
INT. WOLTZ BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS
JACK WOLTZ gradually wakes up. He reaches down to his feet and a look of surprise comes over his face. He throws back the covers and we see a million severed human heads and Woltz is naked while giving a speech in front of lots of people and then an atom bomb goes off and kills everyone he ever liked and makes him go fat and bald and unloved and 55 years old and everything he does is a failure.
The studio thought this was a little heavy handed and suggested he try another rewrite. The result is the scene you can watch today.
This work by Nathan is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at www.junkfoodforyourbrain.com.