First of all, I’d like to thank all the members of the media who are covering this event for covering this event as there are is a persistent rumor that I would like to address. I have not, I repeat, not, ever literally stolen candy from a baby. There is absolutely no evidence for my alleged candy stealing, nor should there be as it has never happened. Ok, everybody’s murmuring, why is that?
Oh, really? You’ve never heard that rumor? Ok, well let me put to bed the rumor I have just started that I constantly steal candy from babies. I do not and have not. In fact, could you just edit out that whole part and I’ll start again? I don’t want to start rumors that I quite literally steal candy from babies. Oh, we’re live? Except for Channel 5? Good, Channel 5 could you- Oh, you’re going live now? When did you start so I can- Ah, just the last part of that sentence. So the first words you broadcast were “I quite literally steal candy from babies”. Ok. Well. That is not true, I do not steal candy from babies nor have I ever stolen candy from a baby, nor will I steal candy from a baby and that rumor, that I have apparently just started, is false. I would also like to remind people that there is a big difference between a baby and a toddler. Now, then…What’s that? Oh, you hadn’t heard that until I just said it? Please ignore it.
Ok, then.
I’d like to address the persistent rumor that I am wanted in three states for murder. That is not true, it is patently and demonstrably false and as soon as I get clearance from my lawyers to discuss what actually happened I will. Suffice it to say that there are many degrees of murder, most of which I did not engage in. Some have even spread the scurrilous rumor that I engaged in a brutal gangland style slaying of many innocent victims including women and children after which I wore their skins like a winter coat. Without going into detail I can assure you that parts of that rumor are a lie and other parts are half truths, plus there was a very good reason for everything that I did so please do not speculate and spread vile rumors because it’s possible you may be wrong about some parts. What’s that? You hadn’t heard that rumor either? Dammit.
Ok, did you hear the rumor that I make my aids chew all my food for me? No? Good, because it’s not true and you can ask my aid once he gets back from his vacation at an undisclosed black ops location. Maybe the rumor you heard is that I am actually an alien from Alpha Centari sent here to destroy the earth from within? No? Blee-blorx. I mean…phew, then there’s no need to address that one. How about that I sold secrets to North Korea? That I’m infected with a rare form of monkeypox? That I performed secret radiation experiments on members of my local daycare center?
Well, what rumor is everyone talking about?
Ah.
Yes.
Well.
I can say, without a doubt, that there is no evidence that I have now, nor have I ever been, in a grade school production of “You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown.” Thank you very much. Vote Quimby.
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