Everyone please watch your head, the cave narrows a little bit down this end of the cavern. Everyone in? Good. This is the stalactite we call ‘Old Faithful’. We can tell by it’s size that it’s been here for about 15,000 years and will be here long after all of us have died, unlike my ex-husband George who promised to love me forever then ran off with his psychiatrist. Ha ha. Now this is the fun part of the tour. I’m going to turn the lights off for a few minutes and help you imagine what it would be like to be in this cave in complete darkness. Don’t worry, the mole people won’t get you as long as you stay still. Ha ha. Here we go.
*CLICK*
Spooky isn’t it? Now let me just…whoops, dropped my flashlight. Nope, everyone stay where you are. I SAID STAY WHERE YOU ARE! DIDN’T YOU HEAR MY WARNING ABOUT THE MOLE PEOPLE?!
Okay, calm down everyone, please. Ha, I was just kidding about the mole people, but seriously, it is deathly important that you stay still. In fact, everyone grab the hands of the person next to you. That’s not my hand! Ha ha. It is, though.
Now if you feel someone being pulled away, the best thing to do is just let go, because that means the mole people have them and they’re as good as dead. Actually, if anyone has a small child they wouldn’t mind hurling into the darkness to protect the rest of us that would be super. Ha ha. That’s what I thought, no one did last time, either. You’ll change your mind once you hear them coming.
That’s a good question. We’re holding hands so we can know how many people get taken. Usually they only take three or four then we can leave. Ha, I’m just kidding about all that. We’ll have to stay here until the cavern manager notices we’re missing and sends a rescue party because frankly I’m just a little bit turned around. Maybe it’s all that booze I’ve been drinking. Ha ha.
What’s that? Ah, yes, the crystal around my neck is glowing. The good news is it’ll give us a little light. The bad news is that it only glows in the presence of mole men. Some people, actually most people, say this crystal attracts mole men. But I say, now, they may be right. Sorry, my bad. Ha ha.
Speak up. Oh yes, there are probably mole women. Heck, they might all be mole women. Only one person ever saw them up close and lived to tell about it. Well, not really tell about it, what with his face and hands chewed off, but he lived. If you can call it living.
You hear that shuffling? That’s them. If anyone bought any cyanide pills from the gift shop I’d advise you to take those now. It will be far less painful. Yes, while it’s true they only take three or four, they maim quite a bit more than that.
Wait, where are you going? Don’t let go of my hand, you couldn’t possibly know where the light switch is. You’re dead. Dead! I hope they chew you up quickly! But don’t come screaming to me when your bowels are being ripped out through your ears and-
*CLICK”
Oh, hey, you did find the switch.
Great.
Well, if you’ll all follow me we’ll continue our tour through the next room called “The Sleeping Quarters of Mole People”. It’s thought that the mole people live in small passages just outside the light cast from the precariously balanced lamps wired in a series circuit. Once we get in there, we can play a game of cave dodgeball. Ha ha. No, we’ll play eyes-closed tag.
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