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My Favorite Posts

Follow my blog updates and random quackery on Twitter.

(This post remains on top) These are a few of my favorite posts, and a good place to start.

See the start of my ongoing adventure series which uses literary devices, badly.

I found a copy of the first draft of The Matrix.

I also found a transcript of the original recording of the Beverly Hillbillies Theme Song.

I wrote about detectives who explain too much.

I wrote a letter to a porno film company. (NSFW)

I took part in a street rapping battle.

I took a deadly cavern tour.

I investigated the origins of some famous phrases.

And of course don’t forget to check out my short, animated web series Gotta Have Heart and Batman: The Broke Knight Returns among other cartoons.

Worst Last Day of School Ever

Ok,class, calm down I understand how you feel. I don’t know whether I’m more excited that this is the last day of school or more terrified of the werewolves tearing through the school. Oh, they’re howling again, so probably more terrified than excited at this point. Now– JIMMY DON’T TOUCH THAT BARRICADE!!

Well I know, but you’ll just have to pee in the corner like everyone else.

No, I guess you could use the other corner but try to avoid peeing on the dead body.

Now I know everyone’s heard the rumor that when people get bit by werewolves they turn into a werewolf themselves. I’m going to lay that rumor to rest once and for all. It’s true. But, we don’t have to worry about Principle Dean’s body here turning into a werewolf because it’s only if you get bitten and live that it happens, whereas Principle Dean here is quiet clearly dead. Of course I’m just assuming it’s Principle Dean, it’s really hard to tell without a head.

Look, we can all sit at our desks crying and peeing our pants while imagining what those razor sharp claws will feel like when they slice through our chests, or we can share our essays about what we’re doing for our summer vacations. I’ll start. My boyfriend and I are going on a cruise to Jamaica! Does anyone know where Jamaica is?

Tanya please don’t change the subject. Yes, this is a gun on my desk. Yes it does have one silver bullet which could kill a werwolf but that would still leave, by my count, 22 werewolves. And unless they all line up single file I don’t think there’s any way we could kill them all.

Oh, I don’t know. I’ll probably use the gun on myself at the last moment when there’s no hope of rescue. Of course, anyone who wants to line up behind me single file is more than welcome.

Oh, that would be the werewolves banging on the door. I think we have time for one more essay. Who wants to share? Jason, why don’t you go ahead? I’m just going to stand in the back of the class and load this gun. Have a great summer everybody!

Top 5 Numbers Between 1 and 10

Numbers are all around us. In fact, you’re probably using numbers right now. Don’t believe us? Fuck you, man, we ain’t gotta prove nothing to you. Sorry, that was uncalled for, it’s just we’re so excited about these goddamn numbers. And drunk. Anyway, here are five of the best numbers between 1 and 10.

 

#5: 1

1 was actually the first number to ever be used by mankind. For a long time it was the only number anyone ever knew, which is why it’s still called “the loneliest number” to this day. In fact, it was impossible for neanderthals to pick teams because they didn’t understand the concept of choosing more than person and that’s why they became extinct. Fortunately, our human ancestors were smarter and invented the number…

#4: 7

7. Read any page from the Old Testament and chances are there’s a number 7. Seven days of the week, seven…well, we can’t be bothered to look it up right now but we remember learning that 7 was very important. Why was it so important? Who knows. Someone might, but again, see the second sentence of this entry. What we do claim is that 7 was the second number ever invented, thus it’s importance.

#3: 12

12 isn’t technically between 1 and 10 but we had to include it here anyway because it’s so incredible. Try having a year without 12 months. Or a baker’s dozen minus one. It’s impossible without a twelve.

#2: 3

3 is universally recognized as the perfect number. Like a warm shot of whiskey it keeps things interesting without becoming too much. Also like a shot of whiskey you can double it, triple it or even quadruple it and wake up the next morning in a puddle of someone’s bodily fluids. Your blood? Your neighbor’s? Who knows. Is it blood? It’s red but it’s mushy. Oh God, what if it’s brains?! Who’s brains did we smash in last night?

#1: 9

Wait, it’s kind of sticky and tastes of strawberries. Phew, it’s probably just strawberry jelly. Unless it’s Strawberry Shortcake’s blood. But, no, just jelly. Hey, are we sleeping inside the refrigerator? How much did we drink last night? Ugh, Jesus, our head. Well, we’re never doing lists again, that’s for sure.

Cracked Article

I recently co-wrote an article that was published in Cracked: 5 Famous Frivolous Lawsuits That Didn’t Actually Happen.

The Adventures of The Corpse!

TheCorpse

A new mini-mini-series.

Internet Security is Easy

You hear stories all the time about websites getting hacked and user information getting stolen. I’ve never had any of my accounts hacked because I just take a few simple precautions:

Every morning I wake up early to create a brand new password consisting of 128 random letters and numbers generated using a random number generator I chose at random from among the random, random number generators on the internet.

I then spend the next 4 hours memorizing the password.

I spend the next 2 hours changing all my accounts to this password.

That’s followed by lunch.

In the afternoon I call all my accounts pretending to be someone else to see if I can socially engineer my way past the password. If I’m successful I’ll then close that account because obviously that business can’t be trusted.

In the evening I attempt to break into the headquarters of all the businesses at which I still have an account and try to steal my own information just to see if it can be done. If I’m successful I close those accounts.

Then dinner.

Around midnight or so I track down the families of the heads of the companies and hold them for ransom in exchange for my account info. If they trade my info for the safety of their families then I close those accounts because obviously they don’t have a high enough value for their customer’s security.

In the early morning hours I set up a ridiculously convoluted scheme to take over the world, sometimes but not always involving a moon base and giant mirrors to fry people like ants, Ants! I tell you! Mwa ha ha ha ha!, then set as my demands the password for all of my accounts. If the world hands over my info then I close all my accounts.

In the morning I start over, opening new accounts as necessary.

It’s really very simple, see? Anyone can do it.

Interview with Dr. Death

In this issue I sat down with Dr. Death, the supervillain who recently came to prominence for his plot to destroy New York city with giant ants to talk about the perils of supervillainry, starting out as a minion, and what it’s like to be foiled again.

Hi Doctor, thank you for taking the time to do this interview I know you’ve got a lot on your plate right now.

Certainly, certainly. It’s always nice to talk to people who appreciate my work and, who knows, one of your readers might even be a minion some day.

So how did you get into the supervillain business? What’s your backstory?

Well, I’d always been interested in elaborate plots and harnessing mysticism and science to do my bidding. I was lucky to grow up with parents that encouraged that sort of thing. I remember one night when I tried to build a Destructo-Ray and kidnap our local mayor. The ray fizzled and the police stormed into the building and hauled me home in the back of a squad car. After my dad sent the police away he clapped me on the back and said “Son, always remember to test your ray on a sidekick or a minor character first.” It’s a lesson I never forgot. And neither will Captain Hero. [Laughs]

But I guess I realized I wanted to professionally take revenge on the world after I became horribly scarred while encasing my girlfriend in a giant diamond to keep her alive while I researched a cure for her rare and deadly disease.

I see you still have your girlfriend back there behind your desk.

Oh, yes, she’s still in diamond. One day I hope to find a cure but there are so many steps.

Like what?

I’ve got to collect enough raretronium but that means I have to steal it from Stupendous Woman’s power bracelets but I need money to create a stasis force field and so on. Then collecting the brains of all the scientific geniuses through history and linking them together using quadronic flux rays…[sighs]…some days it just seems so hopeless. But, you concentrate on one task at a time.

Now your first job as a minion was working for Crazy/Bad. How did you get that job?

I had a friend who worked in his lair and he told me where Crazy/Bad was going to strike next so I made sure to get there early to help stall Amazing Grace while Crazy/Bad escaped. I guess my fight banter was pretty good because the next day I got a brain-call [A phone call direct to your brain. -Ed.] to go in for an interview.

What’s Crazy/Bad like?

All the stories you’ve heard mumbled by the catatonic survivors of his exploits are true. I can’t say much more or he’ll torture me and everyone I ever loved. [Laughs]

How did you move from there to being a supervillain on your own?

Well, you remember when Crazy/Bad got captured by Flowergirl and Douglas Adams T.G.G.N.T.A.? [The Good Guy, Not The Author - Ed.] and they put him away in Super-Duper Prison?

Of course, the whole Earth had a weeklong celebration.

That’s when I saw my opening. Someone had to keep scheming, so I teamed up with Sharktopus for a bit and we did a few schemes but I couldn’t breathe water and he couldn’t breathe air so it was really hard for us to get together and plot. So I struck off on my own.

And that’s when you created the super ants?

Yes. And I would have destroyed the city, too, if it weren’t for Captain Hero. But at least I took out Lad Boy the Boy Lad, the boy wonder.

I see you’re very busy, is there anything else you want to say before we wrap this up?

Obviously you know I have to hold you hostage for a bit.

Of course.

But I like your moxy so I’ll let you choose: psychological torture or physical torture?

Oh, I’ve heard wonderful things about your physical torture, I’d love to be a victim.

Please, I don’t have victims, just innocent bystanders. Give me your head.

Thank you very much for your time. Aaaarggggghhhh!! The pain!!

[Laughs]

Intelligent Life Discovered on Nearby Planet

The following message was sent from a planet orbiting Alpha Centauri. Scientists have decoded as much as possible, although some words lack any discernible translation:

Greetings people of Earth. My name is [untranslatable] but you may call me [untranslatable]. I am presently on my way to visit your planet with the intention of fulfilling two main goals. First, I wish to make contact with your species and initiate a trade of knowledge to further your path towards evolutionary enlightenment. Second, I wish to have sex with you. Not all of you, certainly, just the freaky ones.

A little about me: I am average height, weight and [untranslatable] for one of my species. I enjoy long walks along the beach, reading great books and regurgitating my spleen and thorax, like most of my species.

Before I get too far let me say that not all of my people are as eager to have sex with humans as I am. In fact I am in a distinct minority. In double fact it would be fair to say that you should probably keep our sexual adventures secret from my species, as they tend to frown on that sort of thing. In triple fact sex with humans is not actually part of my mission but just something I would very much like to do.

I would now like to give you a taste of the vast knowledge I can offer you that will set your species ahead technologically by eons. But first I just want to get this whole sex thing figured out. Now when I get aroused my [untranslatable] grows to 17 earth inches. However, the males of my species shrink their [untranslatable] to fit. Then we bend them over and thrust our [translatable but obscene] into their [translatable but obscene] until [ditto] while [same] with our mandibles until we’ve collected enough [yup] to throw at bystanders while [it goes on for 12 pages. Skipping to the end:] Do you have anything like that on Earth? I sincerely hope so. If not I’m sure I could cut a hole in something.

I am very excited to initiate first contact. Very excited.

Smoochies,

[picture of a dick]

Making Horticulture Exciting Again

Greetings fellow members of the Amateur Horticulturists of the Americas, my name is Theodore Gravinsky but you may know me from the bi-monthly newsletter as President Gravinsky. Recently some of you may have noticed some changes in how our society operates. I have heard some grumblings about how our association doesn’t need armed guards at all our meetings but I can assure you they are here for your own safety and, despite what you may have heard, I am in complete control of all of them.

True, there was an unfortunate incident at our last potluck leaving up to 30 members dead, but I urge you to be optimists and consider about how many members were not left dead. I know of at least 3 who were merely left severely wounded and though they wish they were dead in their hearts, in real life they will never die.

Which brings me to my big announcement regarding our successful human-plant hybrids: We have successfully created human-plant hybrids! With careful watering and adequate sunlight, these plant people will never die. Indeed, they can never die, believe me we’ve tried. After gazing with childlike horror upon their monstrous visage we poured untold bullets into where we assumed their brains were but to no avail. But some more good news: to date only a single human-plant hybrid has escaped!

Additionally, despite the newspaper’s breathless accounts of unspeakable terror and rivers of blood I am here today to tell you that the terror was completely speakable and resulted in mere streams of blood. Furthermore, we succeeded in capturing our escaped hybrid and returning him to his grateful family, whom he immediately slaughtered, thus teaching us all a valuable lesson: send other people to capture plant-human-monsters, don’t go yourself.

[Pause for laughter.]

[Instruct the guards to menace the crowd and demand laughter.]

[Pause for it.]

Finally, one of my most important, and I must say gratifying, duties as president of the Amateur Horticulture Society of the Americas is arranging the annual fundraiser. You all should have received your informational pamphlets by now and I urge you to contact your family and friends as soon as possible so they can arrange payment for your release. We have some exciting events planned for this year including a bingo night, square dance night and a heretic hunt night featuring several former members who many thought they’d never see again and won’t if the hunt goes as planned.

Thank you and goodnight.

Reader Mailbag!

I received this letter in my electronic mail today from a Matthew K:

Hi,
Just goggling stuff and ran across your blog.  I did find it funny but feel I have to say Calculus is incredibly useful.  Ever been inside a skyscraper? Couldn’t have been build without calculus.  Ever enjoyed an Air conditioner?  Calculus made it happen.  Ever been in an exceptionally well lit space, maybe involving day lighting?  Calculus was critical in that.   I’m in architecture so sorry for all the building examples.  Maybe have you ever flown in a plane?  Tons of calculus there and its unrelated to buildings.  Again, I liked your blog just not the tagline.  Calculus is awesome!

Glad you enjoyed my blog. First of all, you’re not one of those hardcore thug architects are you? Searching the internet for anyone denigrating a branch of mathematics wherein you swoop in and destroy the website? I only ask because I grew up around MIT in the 80s when it was extremely dangerous and I don’t want to relive that nightmare. Our neighborhood was beset by roving gangs of street mathematicians who’d threaten to split you into an irrational series if you couldn’t prove their theorem based on a set of seemingly arbitrary axioms. It wasn’t safe to leave the house at night without being armed with a calculator, a pencil and some scratch paper. Even then you couldn’t be sure. I knew a kid who was separated into his fundamental components simply for deviating more than x degrees from the norm, where x was derived from a quantitative assessment of the dourness of the gang’s mood on that day. Assuming the above does not apply to you, I’d like to take a moment to respond.

My first thought was to use calculus to prove calculus is useless using only the wikipedia entry on calculus and a willingness to make up facts and numbers to prove my point. That proved to involve much more time than I currently have as my kid will be home soon. For what it’s worth, here’s how far I got:

___________________________

Let’s start with this diagram:

Yay calculus things!

 

Where f(x) represents knowledge of calculus as it changes over time between a and where a = your first day in school of Calculus class and b = your last. Notice how the knowledge disappears immediately after finals. Let’s also assume that this theorem has the potential to prove my point. If all that is true and I have survived this far beyond b on my own without personally using calculus then calculus must be useless.

_____________________________

Instead, let me say there are 2 ways my tagline “As useless as calculus, but funnier.” could be interpreted.

1: Calculus is boring and a complete waste of time. This blog is funny and a complete waste of time.

2: Calculus is critically important for the people who create everything we use but most people find no application for it in their daily lives. After all, you don’t need calculus to drive a bus, or work at a movie theater or pick out the best produce at the supermarket. So most people never find a direct use for it but those who understand it appreciate it, much like my blog. This reasoning also serves to give me an inflated sense of ego which is why I like it.

At any rate, thanks for reading. Tell your friends!

 

Paramount Pictures Wants to See Our Stuff

Paramount Pictures is sponsoring a sketch, improv and stand up show featuring my sketch comedy group Hashtag and one of LA’s best improv teams RDJRJR to promote the new movie “Jeff Who Lives at Home” starring Jason Segal and Ed Helms. Everyone who shows up gets free passes to the movie and free drinks! Plus a flippin’ funny show. Two shows, actually, come at 8PM or 10PM or both, each show will be different. And did I mention free drinks? Info and tickets here.