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My Favorite Posts

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

(This post remains on top) Of all the random bits of quackery on this blog, these are a few of my favorite posts, and a good place to start.

See the start of my ongoing adventure series which uses literary devices, badly.

I found a copy of the first draft of The Matrix.

I also found a transcript of the original recording of the Beverly Hillbillies Theme Song.

I wrote about detectives who explain too much.

I wrote a letter to a porno film company. (NSFW)

I took part in a street rapping battle.

I took a deadly cavern tour.

I investigated the origins of some famous phrases.

And of course don’t forget to check out my short, animated web series Gotta Have Heart and Batman: The Broke Knight Returns among other cartoons.

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Short Shorts

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

New Years Celebration
The huge crowd in Times Square watched the ball drop as they counted down: “3…2…1…Happy adolescence!” they shouted at the naked teenager with newly descended testes.

Practical Advice
It’s never a good idea to leave your car running while you go into a store to grab something. Especially if that something is a stranger’s breasts.

Explorers
The natives had over 200 words for “snow” but no words to describe ownership. That’s why it was so easy to take all their stuff.

Religion
When Jesus was starting to become a man, his mother, Mary,  took him aside one day to have “the talk”. Jesus knew this day was coming but it was still awkward to have to teach his mother about sex.

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Letter From An Insurance Company to Dr. House

Friday, November 4, 2011

Blue Cross Blue Shield
1435 Rock Ridge Drive
Oxnard, CA 93031

Dr. Gregory House MD
Bethesda Medical Center
Mondays at 10 on FOX

RE: Your recent invoices

Dr. House:

We have received your latest invoices for case #23980-C but we require further information before we are able to process these claims. Please respond to the inquiries listed below at your earliest convenience:

  1. We request a more detailed break down of the 49 billable hours initially labeled as “Thinking time” which you indicated included “Bouncing a ball against a wall.” “Watching someone eat a slice of pie.” and “Overhearing a random sentence.” While we appreciate that these activities helped you solve the case somehow, these activities have no billable codes and thus are not covered by this, or any, insurance policy. Codes can be found in the Blue Cross Policy Manual located in your Human Resources department.
  2. Regarding the Blue Cross Policy Manual, please do not simply return it to us with a post-it attached that reads: “Used All”. Even if you did indeed use every procedure in the book you must indicate each one separately on the appropriate forms.
  3. We would like to remind you that our policies do not cover any of the following procedures which you continue to submit:  (1) Making the patient clinically brain dead for 3-5 minutes so you can flush her system with anything. (2) Removing any internal organs based on a “hunch” and without prior approval. (3) Breaking and Entering (Which we remind you AGAIN is illegal.) and (4) Any ethically or scientifically dubious procedures such as injecting a patient with morphine to deliberately induce seizures or cutting out a patient’s brain and replacing it with a piece of their toe.
  4. Finally, please decide on a final diagnosis BEFORE you submit any paperwork.

Thank you for your prompt attention to these matters. We hope this will be our final correspondence as in the future we will exclude coverage from work done by you on all of our plans.

Thank you,

Shirley Kilmore
Senior Code Specialist
Blue Cross Blue Shield

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Apologies

Sunday, July 31, 2011

I’d like to thank all the members of the media that showed up today, there’s a lot more of you here than were at my previous press meeting regarding the persistent rumors that surrounded me. That’s nice of you all, but if you’re looking for a spectacle prepare to be disappointed. I am simply here today to explain several quotes from me that were taken out of context and spread all over by the media.

Let me start by explaining what I meant when I said “Hitler had some good ideas.” First of all, there weren’t supposed to be any recording devices in the room. That said, I was in the middle of a rousing game of “Axis and Allies”, a board game that takes place during World War 2, and I was playing the side of the Axis. In deliberating over strategy I said that Hitler had some good ideas regarding the avoidance of France’s Maginot Line. That also explains the other part of my quote which was taken out of context, the part where I said “I intend to do exactly as Hitler did.” I simply meant I would go around other countries to attack France. I believe I then said that “The blacks are in my way and must be eliminated.” This was in reference to the game pieces, which were in fact colored black. Some media outlets have also reported that I said “The Jews must be rounded up and executed.” I never said that, that’s just what I sound like when I sneeze.

As for the Nazi memorabilia found in my office, it’s not mine, I was just holding it for a friend. Which is not to say I’m friends with Nazis, just this one friend in particular happens to be a Nazi. And isn’t that part of our country’s great multi-cultural heritage? Some people have different skin color, other people don’t believe in Jesus and others think those people should be killed. In any event I was only wearing the Nazi uniform out of curiosity to see if it fit. And yes, I test out the fit of all my uniforms by doing what appears to be a Nazi salute and yes I happen to have been facing a portrait of Hitler that I happen to have drawn myself but it could have happened to anybody, it doesn’t mean I’m a closet Nazi.

Thank you very much, if you have any more questions please email them to me at ClosetNazi666@aol.com. Vote Quimby.

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Married Bachelor

Friday, July 29, 2011

INT. APARTMENT
BRIAN and MIKE sit on the couch in a neatly organized apartment watching TV. There is a KNOCK on the door. Brian opens it to reveal JERRY.

JERRY
Hey, Brian, Mike, what’s going on?

BRIAN
Hey, Jerry, what’s up?

JERRY
The wife and kids are out of town, I figured I’d head next door to my two swinging bachelor neighbors and we can have a night on the town! Wooo!

BRIAN
I don’t know, Jerry, we were kind of planning on catching up on some of our TV programs.

JERRY
What? Come on, guys, it’s Saturday night! The kids are away, I don’t have to get up early; let’s go clubbing!

BRIAN
Meh, 28 is a little too old to be waiting in line at a club.

JERRY
We don’t have to wait in line, just call up a bunch of your girlfriends. Bouncers love letting chicks into the club.

MIKE
Actually, I broke up with Suze last week.

JERRY
Oh, man, I’m sorry. Well, just call one of your other girlfriends.

MIKE
How many girlfriends do you think I have?

JERRY
You’re swinging bachelors, you guys must have pussy by the truckload.

BRIAN
Oh, well, that’s very crude, Jerry.

MIKE
Yeah, please don’t use that kind of language.

JERRY
I’m sorry guys, it’s just that I so rarely have an evening to myself, this is my chance to just go wild and re-live my bachelor days before the wife and kids come back from the in-laws.

MIKE
I know how you feel. I’m so lonely without Suze. You’re lucky, your family will come back.

JERRY
No, you’re missing the whole point! The old ball and chain is gone, it’s my chance to live free!

BRIAN
I just ate a whole pizza and I’m kind of tired. Can we just hang out here?

JERRY
Yes, awesome, that’s what I’m talking about! A whole pizza! I had to eat a stupid casserole my wife left in the fridge.

MIKE
I wish I had someone to make me a casserole.

JERRY
Okay, okay, okay. You guys don’t want to go out, that’s cool. We can hang out here and fucking get ripped.

BRIAN
Jerry, language, please.

JERRY
Sorry. I don’t get to swear at home. Hey, how about a brewski?

MIKE
We don’t have any beer.

BRIAN
We may have some Sangria left over.

JERRY
Ok, ok, let’s do it!

Mike exits to the kitchen to get the Sangria.
Jerry sits on the couch and undoes his belt and pants.

BRIAN
What are you doing?

JERRY
The wife makes me keep my pants on at home, she says it’s better for the kids. But we’re swinging bachelors, we can just hang loose. So to speak!

He leans back, slides his hand into his pants and puts his feet on the coffee table.

BRIAN
Please put your feet down, Jerry, we eat on this table.

JERRY
That’s what I’m talking about! We have to eat at the boring dining table.

BRIAN
I wish we had a dining table to eat at. My back hurts from bending over this thing. Please zip up your pants.

JERRY
I’m just getting prepped for the strippers!

BRIAN
We are not letting strippers in here. I just cleaned.

JERRY
If we cancel them at this point they’ll still charge us.

BRIAN
You already ordered them?

JERRY
Don’t thank me. Just remember to wear a rubber.

Mike returns with a small glass of Sangria.

JERRY (CONT’D)
Chug! Chug! Chug!

Jerry chugs it then throws the glass at the tv.

JERRY (CONT’D)
Fuck yeah!

MIKE & BRIAN
Jerry!

Jerry pulls out a syringe and a rubber hose.

JERRY
You guys want a squirt?

BRIAN
You do heroin?

JERRY
Only when I’m a swinging bachelor!

Jerry pulls out a gun and a mask.

JERRY (CONT’D)
Hey, let’s go rob a bank.

BRIAN
What? No!

MIKE
I think you better leave.

Jerry shoots Mike.

BRIAN
Holy shit!

JERRY
You’re goddamn right that was awesome! Hey, let’s bury his body in the woods then elope to Canada.

BRIAN
What? I’m not-

Jerry cocks the gun and aims it at Brian. Just then, Jerry’s cell phone rings. He answers it.

JERRY
Hello, dear…oh, really?…ok, Well, I’ll see you soon.

Jerry hangs up.

BRIAN
(terrified)
What…what…what was that?

JERRY
Oh, their flight was cancelled, they’re on their way back home.
(re: dead body)
You really need to keep your place a little more clean, it’s disgusting.

Jerry leaves, Brian starts sobbing.

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Stories to Confuse and Amaze

Thursday, July 28, 2011

It was just another ordinary day, until the space rabbits came to Earth. We had been expecting their delivery, the order for space carrots had been put in three weeks ago. But it amazed everyone when they saw the carrots, for they were short by one. But that wasn’t the amazing bit, the carrots were actually people. That wasn’t the amazing bit either, that last bit was just made up. The carrots weren’t actually people, they were carrots! Sorry, got a bit carried away and added an unnecessary exclamation point. We were aware they were carrots, for that is what we ordered, however…I seem to have lost the narrative. Did I mention the rabbits were seventeen feet tall and looked an awful lot like Earth tigers? That bit becomes important when we try to mate with them. Sharp claws tearing people to bits and all that.

Oops, I seem to have given away the ending. I’m pretty drunk and quite insane.

Ok, I’m not insane. I’m making this whole thing up because my original post was a diary entry about how I did my laundry.

My space laundry!

No, not really. My normal laundry.

You know what? Probably best to just skip this post. How ’bout that debt ceiling, huh?

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Guide Book to Hollywood

Friday, July 1, 2011

Hello visitors and welcome to Hollywood. We’re glad you’ve decided to join us here for this exciting adventure. Before we get started, here are a few rules and commonly asked questions to make your stay here much more pleasant:

1. You may observe some Hollywood Stars in their natural habitat. Please do not feed them, as you may interrupt their feeding cycle leading to overeating which will cause them to become easy prey for other predators such as up-and-coming starlets and ego-stroking-hangers-on.

2. For your safety do not enter any dance club in Hollywood. Failure to heed this warning may result in you becoming a raging LA Hipster-Douchebag.

3. While you may not actually get knifed by a mugger in Hollywood you will feel as if you will be knifed at any moment. This is perfectly normal and part of the Hollywood experience.

4. Do not park in front of the Scientology Building.

5. While walking through “The City of Dreams” you may have to avoid “the poop on the street”, especially in areas less likely to be trafficked by pedestrians such as the sidewalk or anywhere that isn’t indoors.

6. When finding a place to park, be prepared to pay approximately half your yearly income to park at a dimly lit lot next to a crackhouse with several dangerous looking prostitutes hanging around getting into fights. There will be valet.

7. I’m telling you, do not park in front of the Scientology Building.

8. When visiting Mann’s Chinese Theater, please keep all comments about it being just a dumpy, faux Chinese theater with a bunch of scuffed up concrete around it to yourself or Spiderman and Batman will kick your ass.

9. Do yourself a favor and stop in to iO West for some good comedy.

10. Do not park in front of the Scientology Building. Seriously, those guys are real dicks about their parking spots. I did it the first time I came here and got a ticket immediately.

 

COMMON QUESTIONS

Q: “I need to cross the street right now! Can I just saunter across very slowly?”

A: Absolutely! In Hollywood there is apparently no need to cross at an intersection, wait for a light or ensure that no cars are coming. It is a magical fairy tale city after all.

 

Q: “I don’t have a car, can you-”

A: Ha ha ha. What a loser. Hey loser, lose much? Oh, man, no car, that’s funny. I’m sorry, please continue.

 

Q: “Like I was saying, I don’t have a car-”

A: [snicker]

 

Q: “-so can you tell me the best way to get to Hollywood using public transportation?”

A: What’s public transportation?

 

Q: “Like a train?”

A: [blank look]

 

Q: “What about a subway?”

A: I think we have a subway. Do we still have one? Let me check. Wow, we do, I’m going to take it everywhere and avoid the horrible traffic! Oh, wait, it only goes to a limited number of stations and then you need to drive from your stop. You’re on your own.

 

Q: “How about a bus?”

A: Buses are those long things that take up, like, four car lengths on the freeway, right? Yeah, don’t take those, we’re trying to kill them to make more space for cars.

 

Q: “This place is a dump and the food in this part of town sucks.”

A: That’s not a question.

 

Q: “Oh, uh, why is it so dumpy and sucky?”

A: There is no need to clean up the actual city as long as the image of the city is immaculate and continues to bring in suckers visitors. For actual sightseeing find a local who knows the area.

 

Thank you for coming to Hollywood, please watch your step! Seriously, there’s a big pile of, looks like puke or something, anyway it’s gross. Enjoy!

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Ayn Rand Kindergarten

Monday, June 20, 2011

I’m contributing to a sketch show, here’s my first sketch:

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Empire Strikes Back: Original Script

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Holy crap! It’s the first draft of Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back! I found this footage after breaking into the hidden archive room of George Lucas’s Skywalker Ranch and managed to sneak it out by tying it inside a balloon and swallowing it. Here it is for everyone to marvel at. Can you believe who wrote this draft!?! Crazy!

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Progressive Preschool

Thursday, June 9, 2011

INT. PRESCHOOL – DAY

A wide eyed woman, SUNSHINE, greets a parent, MARK.

SUNSHINE
Hi, Mark, you’re here for the new parent orientation, right?

MARK
Yeah, I heard really good things about this preschool so I came down to have a look for my son for next September.

SUNSHINE
Oh, wonderful, well my name is Sunshine and let me show you around. But first I have to tell you, we don’t like to call this a preschool because that infers a formal adult teacher – younger student relationship and we think that learning is more effective when you teach through learning not learn through teaching.

MARK
Uh, ok.

SUNSHINE
We to call it a Collective Cognitive Self Actualization Prioritized Environment and we prefer to let them take the lead in all aspects. But come on in here, I’m sure the other poopy-heads will be happy to meet you.

MARK
The other poopy-heads?

SUNSHINE
Oh, yes, I’m sorry. The students have decided that we shouldn’t be called teachers, they voted to call us poopy-heads because it’s funny to them.

MARK
And you just let them?

SUNSHINE
Of course! We don’t want to stand in the way of their imaginative growth cycle. As I said, we let the kids decide what they want to do here. We adults are merely here to facilitate their growth.

MARK
Wait, so the kids can do anything they want? What about discipline?

SUNSHINE
Well, if the other children feel someone has violated their personhood, that individual can be placed in the temporal expulsion demarcation.

MARK
The..?

SUNSHINE
You might know it as timeout corner. Here’s a student in timeout right now.

She points to a kid, LEROY, eating copious amounts of chocolate cake and getting hopped up on sugar.

LEROY
I need more milk for my CHOCOLATE CAKE! MIIIIILK! CAAAAKE!

SUNSHINE
It’s in the kitchen, help yourself.

LEROY runs off.

MARK
If he’s in timeout why are you feeding him chocolate cake?

SUNSHINE
It’s every student’s right to decide his or her, or her or his, own punishment as well as when that punishment ends.

MARK
How does he learn from that?

SUNSHINE
Please, we don’t learn anything here. We grow collectively.

MARK
Ok, whatever, he’s still not being disciplined in any meaningful way.

SUNSHINE
Isn’t the knowledge that you’re being disciplined enough?

MARK
No!

A teacher, GLITTER RAINBOW, and a kid, MARCUS, approach.

GLITTER RAINBOW
Hi, Sunshine.

SUNSHINE
Hi, Glitter Rainbow. Where are you off to?

GLITTER RAINBOW
Marcus here wants to go test drive some Ferraris.

SUNSHINE
Be well, Glitter Rainbow.

GLITTER RAINBOW
Be well, Sunshine.

They kiss their fingers and press their palms against each other. Glitter Rainbow and Marcus exit.

MARK
Please tell me that was another one of your bizarre phrases.

SUNSHINE
Oh, no, it’s every child’s right to test drive whatever they want.

MARK
No. No it isn’t! They’re kids, they can’t do anything they want. They’re supposed to be learning how the world works, not…whatever it is you’re doing here.

SUNSHINE
Please, Mark, if you insist on disbelieving our methods then I’m afraid there’s nothing I, nor any of the other poopy-heads here can help you with.

MARK
That’s fine, I don’t think this school is for us, anyway.

Through the window Mark sees his car peeling off.

MARK (CONT’D)
Hey, someone just stole my car!

SUNSHINE
Oh, that’s just Marcus, he loves to hotwire cars sometimes.

MARK
This is insane, I’m calling the police.

SUNSHINE
They have no jurisdiction here.

MARK
What?

SUNSHINE
Yes, the kids organized to have this property declared a foreign territory.

MARK
You can’t be serious.

SUNSHINE
Oh, I am. Kids?

THREE KIDS approach Mark, who backs away, scared.

KIDS
One of us. One of us. One of us.

MARK
No. No! Nooo!

They overwhelm him and force him to the floor like zombies attacking the living. When he stands, he’s a changed person.

MARK (CONT’D)
I understand. I’ve actualized.

SUNSHINE
I knew you would, Mark. They all do.

MARK
Mark is my old name. My poopy-head name is…Sweet Unicorn Lollipop.

BLACKOUT.

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The Heist

Saturday, June 4, 2011

My plan was perfect, there was nothing wrong with my plan. I had the blueprints to the museum and I had blackmailed a guard at the security company to tell me the location of all the cameras. I had even snuck my own camera in there so I could see where and at what intervals the guards patrolled the area. The fake diamond was all ready, no one would have noticed the switch for at least a week, by which time I’d have been safely out of the country. Me and my co-conspirators were to rappel down to the museum roof from the adjacent office building, slip into the ventilator shaft, deactivate the lasers and shut down the security cameras. Then they’d lower me into the room on a wire where I’d have two minutes to extract the diamond and get out. I had everything accounted for. It was perfect and it absolutely should have worked. I guess if there was one flaw, it was that my crew was made up of four year olds.

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